A Meticulous Analysis Of History (Episode P031) Lyrics

Brain: Through meticulous analysis of history
       I will find a way to make the people worship me.
       By studying the conquerors of days gone by,
       I'll discover the mistakes that made them go awry.
Pinky: So that you can make the same mistakes if you just try.
Brain: By studying the past so carefully,
       I won't repeat the same mistakes of history.
Pinky: You'll never make another mistake, you see,
       'cause you'll fall asleep from reading all that history.

Brain: Pay attention Pinky!
       When Cleopatra reigned as Queen,
       With Roman leaders she was often seen.
       But when she had no ruling friend,
       She found a poison snake to bite her in the end.
Pinky: A bite down there I really wouldn't recommend.
Brain: I won't need world alliances,
       When I'm commanding everyone's appliances.
Pinky: Oh no Brain, that would really smart,
       To be bitten on the bottom by a Cuisinart.

Brain: Hannibal, our book confirms,
       Tried conquering Italy with pachyderms.
       Just why he failed, nobody tells,
       But he never could get past the Roman sentinels.
Pinky: And he couldn't find his weapons in the peanut shells.
Brain: An elephant is not required,
       If I can use the media to be admired.
Pinky: The TV viewers you'll delight,
       Unless the network puts your show on Sunday night.

Brain: Attila was a mighty Hun,
       He ransacked Asia Minor just for fun.
       But when he got to Europe's banks,
       He was routed by an army of heroic Franks.
Pinky: I like mine with sauerkraut and mustard, thanks.
Brain: Why pillage like a criminal,
       When I can send out messages subliminal.
Pinky: Please send a message to that Hun,
       To see if he can pillage me a hot dog bun.
       [whack] Zort!

Brain: Caligula was no boy scout,
       He did things that we can't even talk about.
       The Romans knew he'd lost his head,
       When he filled a vacant Senate seat with Mr. Ed.
Pinky: What's wrong with being friendly with a thoroughbred?
Brain: Why rule like such a reprobate,
       When I can put the world in a hypnotic state?
Pinky: When everybody's in a trance,
       You can make the people do a chicken dance.

Brain: Pinky, if you don't stop this foolishness,
       I shall have to hurt you.
Pinky: 'kay.

Brain: In France, Napoleon Buonaparte,
       Thought beating Austria was very smart.
       But when he took on England too,
       He was beaten up by Wellington at Waterloo.
Pinky: And now he's just a pastry filled with creamy goo.
Brain: Why conquer with depravity,
       I'll win the world by undermining gravity.
Pinky: And even if your plan falls through,
       Maybe they will name a pastry after you.
       [squirt] Waahahaha!

Brain: From Ghengis Khan to Charlemagne,
       From Alexander down to Tamburlaine.
       I find a ruler's tragic flaw,
       And gain a little wisdom out of each faux pas.
Pinky: Don't forget the former Governor of Arkansas.
Brain: That concludes my little rhyme,
       I hope this lesson wasn't just a waste of time.
Pinky: Well Brain, I've learned that one thing's true,
       Every one of them has failed, and so have you.

Brain: Thank you for your vote of confidence.
       Now come, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
       (Gasp) Sing a song about all the world's cheeses?
Brain: No, Pinky, we shall try to take over the world --
       Through meticulous analysis of history.

(Fade out)

Pinky: Oh, but I like the cheese song, Brain.